


Someone You Loved

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: Malec One Shots [25]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 'please wait until I don't feel like I'm actually dying thanks', A lot of hurt and then the comfort, AU from Aku Cinta Kamu, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asmodeus actually being a good father for once, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I mean Magnus always says yes anyway, I'd be like 'exuse me', Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Why do I always make Alec give really unromantic wedding proposals?, but if I was Magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-06 19:55:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18858004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: In which Magnus is so heartbroken he lets himself go, Asmodeus has an epiphany, and Alec puts right a wrong





	Someone You Loved

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm mentally a mess right now, and so when I stress, writing angsty fics are always the way to make me feel better! So, here you go, sorry. 
> 
> Also, the radio threw Someone You Loved at me on the drive home from Uni and I couldn't stop thinking about Malec, so... hmm, also blame the radio?
> 
> I don't really know if I need to warn/tag for anything...

  _I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me._  
_This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy._  
_I need somebody to heal,_  
_Somebody to know,_  
_Somebody to have,_  
_Somebody to hold._  
_It's easy to say,_  
_But it's never the same,_  
_I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain._  
~ Someone You Loved, Lewis Capaldi

* * *

Magnus isn’t sure how long he stays, staring at the door when it shuts behind his Alexander, _no,_ not his Alexander, not anymore. Somehow, he seems to blink and he’s no longer standing in Maryse’s shop, instead finds himself walking along the streets he knows like the burn of his… well, he doesn’t have magic, anymore either, does he? Doesn’t have a home, doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have a title, doesn’t have magic, doesn’t have his Alexander.

_Doesn’t have a future._

He stamps hard on the thought, that pesky thought that sounds so horrifically like his stepfather.

In times past, his heart would break and he’d crawl his way to Ragnor, find solace in his friend’s arms. But Ragnor is… well, Magnus doesn’t have him now, either and Cat is… Cat has Madzie, doesn’t need to deal with Magnus’ ridiculous baggage.

There’s a reason they don’t fall for mortals, don’t interact with them more than necessary. Mortals are… cruel. They love you until they realize you have centuries worth of history that they can never understand. They love you until they realize that there is always going to be someone else, after them, because the only other alternative is… unthinkable on a good day and agonizing on a bad day. They love you until they realize that you need them more than they need you. They love you until you’ve got _nothing_ that they want, then they toss you aside like you never meant a thing. It always happens, and just when Magnus lets himself get used to being loved.

_“My boy…”_

He doesn’t need this right now. This is the absolute last thing he needs, he hopes whatever fool summoned _him_ is _dead,_ because they deserve so much worse. Getting his magic back is nice though. The flickering warmth rushing through him, but it can’t bring heat to the places that Alec has left cold.

So, so maybe he has one thing where just a few minutes ago he had nothing. Maybe he has one thing where an hour… two hours… three… where a short time ago he had Alec and everything he wanted, except perhaps his magic. So… so maybe he has one thing out of everything he used to have. His world is still ashes. His kingdom in ruins. His heart in pieces. It’s fine. He’s… he’s been here before. He _has._ So many times.

_But you had somewhere to go, someone to be, a dream, a place to portal off to, set down new roots, bloom. Now you have nothing._

The voice that sounds frustratingly like Ragnor tells him and he has to push it to the side, Ragnor would never be so unhelpful. He might not have… anywhere to go, anyone to impress, any dreams of exploring the world, of moving somewhere new and settling down. But he’s started from nothing before. _He came from nothing,_ so why wouldn’t he know how to build himself back up?

_But you’re tired, baby, you should rest._

The voice that sounds like Catarina is so enticing, for a moment he stops walking, closes his eyes and breathes in, his body feeling strangely light, like if he wills it, he’ll blow away on the wind. _No,_ he decides, _I won’t._ And he opens his eyes, breathes deeply and carries on walking. He has nowhere to go, but that’s never stopped him before.

So, he walks, bathed in the light of a new day, his world turned to ashes, his kingdom in ruins, his heart in pieces, and his life… in flux.

* * *

It takes Asmodeus the better part of the day to track his son down again and when he finds him, he feels something he’s sure is horror at the sight before him. Magnus’ gaze is unfocused, his steps determined but unstable, his clothing even more ruffled than it had been when Asmodeus saw him in the early morning, his lips are chapped, and his skin is starting to burn despite the protection his magic will naturally grant him.

“Son, where are you going?” Asmodeus asks, wants to believe Magnus hasn’t been wandering around this ridiculous city the entire day, but knows better. Magnus doesn’t even hear him. “Son? Magnus!” But it is no use, his son does not stop, does not respond, just keeps walking.

* * *

Everything passes in a blur, he might… he might even be going in circles, but he can’t… he can’t remember, doesn’t recall where he has been these last few hours, he’s just… walked. His body is on fire, his legs aching with every step, his lungs protesting his every breath, but still he puts one foot in front of the other, and again.

_In days past, we used to walk until we found somewhere that called to us, called to our magic, and we’d put down roots. Sometimes, it would take days, weeks, but, if we were strong enough, we always found where magic wanted us to go, sometimes we lost people along the way. If you get lost in the Call, you forget to take care of yourself, eventually you’ll drop dead._

Vaguely, he remembers the words an ancient warlock, who had been young when Egypt was, had told him once, centuries ago, when he’d been adrift, so lost he could barely breathe through the panic of it.

The Call, he realizes, is what is guiding him now, leading him. When he left Maryse’s shop, he didn’t know where he was going, he just needed to be somewhere else. But after leaving his father, after getting his magic back, he’s no longer in control of this, if he ever was. He will walk until he finds where his magic is trying to take him or he will die.

_When you become adrift, sometimes only magic can bring you back. But if you aren’t strong enough to keep the Call from consuming you, you’re so lost that not even magic can save you._

Heka had warned him, when he was so desperate for anything that might help him. He realizes, with a sudden, horrifying jolt that it was the Call that took him to the Blackfriars Bridge, and it was Camille that called him down. He wonders what his magic was trying to guide him to, if not a swift, watery death. He wonders where his magic is taking him this time, knows he’s already lost in it, gave into the Call without a fight, so magic will take him where magic wills.

* * *

The wards around the Institute going off are an annoyance none of them need at this moment, but when it turns out to be Asmodeus, and the Greater Demon looks as panicked as Alec has ever seen a demon, he’s curious. Snags the demon's wrist, before the others can notice him, and all but drags him out of the Institute and into the park, is mildly surprised when the demon doesn't fight his manhandling.

“What are you doing? How did you get out of Edom, and how did you get into the Institute?” He asks, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at the Greater Demon, knows he shouldn’t be doing this, knows he should have called attention to the demon the moment he saw him, but… something stopped him.

“I am still an angel, you realize?” Asmodeus questions, frowning at him, Alec’s jaw drops.

“What? But the Fall-”

“Your Jonathan problem, he is a demon, but he’s also still a Shadowhunter.” Asmodeus points out, amused, before he remembers the reason he’s here and he feels like he’s been doused with ice water. “It’s Magnus. He’s… I’m worried.” Asmodeus finally says, not really sure what to say to the Shadowhunter who so obviously loves his son, honestly, loyally, wholly in a way Asmodeus is realizing he never has.

“I thought you gave his magic back?”

“I did and now my son has decided he’s going to walk until he drops dead.” Asmodeus replies, his voice shaking, realizes for the first time that Magnus’ life is precious to him, is not something he wants to risk, not something he wants to lose. Watching his son determined to walk himself to death is more than he can take. He knew how to be a good father, once, but that was before… he flinches, breathes deep and closes his eyes and tries to get the smell of burning flesh and burning feathers out of his nose, tries to forget the sound of his own screams in his ears, tries to forget the searing agony.

“Asmodeus?”

He jolts, the voice bringing him from the memories, it takes him a moment to remember where he is, who is with him, who should be there beside the little Shadowhunter, but isn't because he had to play games. He used to be a good father, once. Knows his daughter would tear him to pieces if she knew what he’d done to her brother. They never met, never have a chance to meet, but he knows his little princess would have claimed Magnus in a hot minute and never let go.

“I cannot get through to Magnus, you have to try.” Asmodeus says, making a decision, up to now, he’s only seen Magnus as a pawn on a chessboard, when Magnus has been the king the entire time.

“If you can’t reach him, how do you think I will be able to? I broke his heart!” Alec exclaims, incredulous and more than a little freaked out. “He won’t listen to me!”

“You have to try!” Asmodeus pleas, remembers the days when warlocks would wander, aimless, letting their magic take them and claim them. Remembers watching warlocks fall, one by one, their body’s finally giving out, unable to carry on, despite their magic valiantly trying to heal them. Sometimes, the Nephilim fell with them, fascinated by their demonic siblings or cousins, amazed at the differences, despite sometimes sharing a parent or, in the rarest of cases, parents. “You have to try to save him. He’ll die.”

“I... fuck, where is he?” Alec demands, rubbing his hand over his face, tries to ignore the way his hands are shaking. He wouldn’t be able to shoot straight right now, not even if his life depended on it.

“I don’t… know. I’ll have to track him again.” Asmodeus admits, annoyed, but then, if his son was staying in one place, he wouldn’t be here pleading with a Shadowhunter, would he?

* * *

_“Magnus?”_

He stops, feels his magic reaching out towards the sound, even as he can’t find the strength to open his eyes, to turn to look, to see if Alec is really here. He’s pretty sure his magic is the only thing keeping him alive, sure that without his magic, he’d have dropped a few hours ago, when he’d stumbled, and pain had ricocheted through him, and his thoughts had sort of flatlined for a minute. When he’d become aware again, he was walking again, and his whole leg felt on fire in a new way.

His magic was the only thing keeping him going, but now it’s focused elsewhere. He falls, is caught in a pair of familiar, strong arms and held tight, hears Alec’s voice speaking frantically to him, but can’t… focus enough to understand any of the words. Alec’s voice is just speaking a bunch of nonsense noise, he wishes he could understand it but he’s so, so tired.

* * *

Alec’s heart stops when he steps out of the portal Asmodeus had created and sees Magnus. It had taken them three hours to track him down and as far as Asmodeus knows, Magnus has been walking since Alec left him. His… his Magnus looks a wreck, his skin is cracked and burnt, his lips are chapped and split, though the blood has dried, he’s covered in sweat, his eyes tightly closed, and Alec is certain that at least one of Magnus’ ankles is broken, and that he’s walked the soles out of his shoes.

“Magnus?” Alec calls and isn’t certain what else there is to say, if Magnus will even hear him, but the warlock stops, sucks in a breath as he wobbles in place. When he falls, Alec is quick to reach out and catch him, holding him close. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, love. I didn’t mean for this to happen.” He promises, mumbling the words over and over, until he becomes suddenly aware that Magnus is dead weight in his arms. His breath hitches and he looks at Asmodeus with panicked eyes.

“He’s alive.” Asmodeus assures him, stepping forward to let his magic bathe over Magnus. “I can heal the worst of his physical wounds, but magic cannot fix everything. He’s horrendously malnourished, dangerously dehydrated, and exhausted. He’s also pulled or torn a lot of muscles, ligaments, and tendons, some of them I can heal, others are going to have to heal on their own, or they will never heal correctly.”

“But he’ll live?” Alec demands to know, gently brushing Magnus’ hair out of his eyes, careful not to touch the cracked skin.

“He’ll live. I can mask my presence for your Institute, unless you have elsewhere to go?” Asmodeus questions, Alec considers the question, looking around them, recognizing the streets, they’re a few blocks away from the loft.

“I don’t want him at the Institute like this, he’s too vulnerable. But… will you go and make a deal with the High Warlock of Brooklyn, to get Magnus’ loft back? Lorenzo is… he’s not a bad sort, he’s just got blinders on when it comes to Magnus.” Alec explains, frowning.

“I will make the deal. Give me a memory of the loft, I will set it to rights before meeting you there.”

“You can’t portal him?” Alec asks, confused, Asmodeus hesitates.

“Generally, when you enter a portal unconscious, you get trapped in Limbo for an Eternity. If you know what to look for, you can get out, but Magnus would not know.” The former, but still apparently current, angel explains, causing Alec’s eyes to go wide.

“No one has told me that. I’ll meet you at the loft.” Alec says, offering up one of his numerous memories of the loft and the exact location of it. Asmodeus flies away almost immediately, leaving Alec behind, cradling his love in his arms. “This is not what I wanted.” Alec tells him, knowing he will not receive a reply, instead, he activates his strength, speed, and stamina runes and scoops Magnus up in a bridal carry, and then he runs the rest of the way to the loft.

* * *

Alec doesn’t think he takes that long to reach the loft, but when he does, Asmodeus is waiting for him, the front door open, and the loft looking how he and Magnus had always kept it. He can’t help the relief that floods through him as he crosses the threshold, this loft will always hold a special place in his heart, for sheltering him when his work became to much, for protecting him while he and Magnus tried to figure each other out. The loft is more than just a loft, it’s _home_.

He carries Magnus through their reclaimed loft and settles him gently on the bed, scrambling up onto the bed and lying next to his lover as Asmodeus moves to begin healing him. Alec watches as slowly Magnus’ body begins to heal, his skin gently knitting itself back together, until you wouldn’t be able to tell anything was wrong with him, were it not for the stress lines around his eyes and the bags under his eyes.

“I have to go and keep my deal with the High Warlock, I will return later.” Asmodeus promises Alec, when he’s healed all that he can. Alec nods his head and figures he should probably call Cat anyway. He’s startled when Asmodeus bends down to press a very gentle kiss to Magnus’ forehead, and murmur something to the sleeping warlock in a language Alec is learning to recognize as Indonesian whenever it is spoken around him, then Asmodeus is flying away, disappearing almost immediately. Alec decides he’s very jealous of near instantaneous flight, before he shakes himself and pulls his phone from his pocket.

* * *

Cat arrives like a hurricane, portalling into the room, already ranting at Alec in a language, or languages, he has never heard before and hopes never to hear again. Cat glares at him darkly, before turning to Magnus, she makes swift work of getting an IV set up for fluids, then she’s frowning, letting her magic run over Magnus again, her frown deepening, before she’s inserting a thin tube through Magnus’ nose, clearly letting her magic guide it.

“What’s that one?” Alec asks, staring at the tube, in a strange fascination.

“For food, and this one is called a catheter, Clary might have told you about them, but you might want to look away.” Cat replies, holding up another thin tube, Alec glances at it, frowns, then looks away. “Right, all done.” Cat says, waiting until Alec looks back at her before she continues. “He’s going to be sleeping for a long time, Alec. I’m going to sleep in the guest room, you call for me if there is _anything_ wrong, though I have set a ward to alert me, as well.” She tells him, refusing to look away until he nods his agreement, then she’s leaving him. He carefully curls himself up against Magnus, gently wrapping his arms around the warlock and closing his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” He says, and wonders if there will ever come a day where he will stop saying that, where he will forgive himself for the damage he has caused.

* * *

Magnus sleeps for days, and while Alec would _love_ to stay by Magnus’ side, he cannot justify it to himself when the world might be ending around them. So, he compromises, spends his days at the Institute, trying to sort out the ever-escalating Jonathan/Clary mess, and he spends his nights at the loft, wrapped so tightly, but so gently around his warlock, never wanting to let go.

Asmodeus drops in every now and then, doing his best to avoid Cat, who threatens to banish him to Edom nearly every time she sees him. Their surprise visitor on day four is a pale, sweaty, and trembling Ragnor, who states that he’s supposed to still be laid up in bed for at least another three months, healing -apparently from _death-_ but he heard something had happened to Magnus and he couldn’t stay away. Cat screams herself hoarse, even as she bundles Ragnor into the guest room and spends her time going back and forward, fussing over her warlock best friends.

Alec has lost count of the days that have gone by, when he wakes up one morning to find a pair of golden eyes staring back at him.

“Magnus.” He exclaims, when he’s awake enough to realize why this is a big deal. “You’re awake.”

“I am and I am not enjoying my experience of modern mundane medical science.” Magnus tells him, his eye twitching. “Though, I much prefer it to what mundanes had before.” He concedes, glaring at the various bags on the pole beside the bed. “What are you doing here?” Magnus asks, staring down at the blankets, avoiding looking at Alec again now that he’s awake. “And how are we back in the loft?”

“It’s a really long story, but your father made a deal with Lorenzo to get the loft back, I’m not sure what the deal was, but I think he played matchmaker, maybe?” Alec explains, thinking of Underhill’s mysterious ‘Lorenzo’, that his Shadowhunter friend refuses to shut up about. “As for me, I… only broke up with you because your father promised to give your magic back.” He says, knowing there will be no repercussions, as Asmodeus has already promised he will not cause them any problems, he’s even agreed to become an ‘upstanding’ member of society, so Alec won’t have to defend his decision not to attack the Greater Demon.

“I see.” Magnus answers, turning to look at Alec for a moment before quickly looking away again. “So, you didn’t mean any of it?” he asks, his words shaking.

“I love you, Magnus. I love you more than I’ve loved anyone or anything ever before. I broke up with you because I wanted you to have your magic back, because it’s an integral part of you. I’m sorry I hurt you, I didn’t mean anything I said that night. I love you; I will always love you.” Alec replies, honestly, earnestly, has never wanted his words to be believed more than in this moment, but Magnus looks at him, and Alec hates that he can see doubt in the warlock’s eyes, where before _that_ night, he’d long stamped the doubt out. “I… the night I organized the dinner, there was a very special question I was going to ask you, before things became… before _we both_ made an absolute mess of _us.”_ Alec explains, reaching into his pocket, grabbing the little black ball he’s been carrying with him everywhere, the first day he’d meant to go and see his mother and give it back, and then every day after, he’s held onto it in a sick kind of hope that Magnus would wake up, and Alec would get the chance to do what he should have done before.

“I knew there was a special occasion.” Magnus smugly tells him, the smirk ruined by the feeding tube, that Alec wonders if Magnus is allowed to have removed now.

“Well, this is the most unromantic time to ask, given the circumstances, but had I been able to go ahead with the evening, I would have asked ‘Magnus Bane, will you marry me?’” Alec asks, opening the ball and offering it to his lover, who stares at it in shock, speechless.

“You were… are you sure?” his warlock questions, and the doubt and fear in Magnus’ voice breaks Alec’s heart.

“I’m sure, I’ve never been more sure of anything.” Alec promises, gently pushing the ball into Magnus’ shaking hands. “You don’t have to answer me now, I’m happy to wait until you’re ready. But I just want you to know, that whenever you _are_ ready, I’m down to marry you.” Alec says, smiling when Magnus gives him a breathless little laugh.

“I don’t need to wait.” Magnus tells him, holding the ball in the palm of his hand, and with his other hand, he conjures a ring, modelled on the Lightwood family ring, but instead of an L, this one has a B, and when Alec looks again, both rings sport the infinity symbol on the inside. “Maybe let’s not rush into things, because I’d like to be able to walk down the aisle under my own power, but I’ll marry you, if you marry me.” Magnus teases, before making a face. “But I might have to go and eat an entire mint plant because I cannot imagine what my breath smells like right now!” Alec snorts at that, as he slips the Lightwood family ring onto Magnus’ offered finger.

“Cat was very diligent with your dental health.” Alec assures him, rolling his eyes. “As if either of us would let you get yellow teeth.” He says, holding his hand out for Magnus to slip the Bane ring onto, when he’s done, they both stare down at the rings. They’re both startled when Alec’s phone starts ringing, and he groans, having forgotten that he did actually have work today. “So, I guess I’m going to be a runaway groom again, but I have to go to work.”

“Excuse me?” Magnus exclaims, though there’s an exasperated smile on his face.

“The world is ending, Magnus.” Alec points out, abashed. “I’m supposed to trust Izzy, Jace, Clary, and _Simon,_ to save us all? Are you mad?”

“Fair point. Go on then, leave me in my sick bed.” Magnus answers, pouting, but he grins when Alec leans over to gently kiss him, careful of the feeding tube.

“Don’t lie, you’d totally be a runaway groom if you had the choice.” Alec retorts, when he pulls away, evading Magnus’ hands when the warlock tries to pull him back.

“I’d probably be a dramatic bitch about it, too.” Magnus agrees with a beaming smile.

“I can believe that. How about you plan our wonderful wedding and I will go ensure the world doesn’t end?” Alec offers as he climbs out of the bed, and wanders over to the wardrobe, searching for a pair of his own clothes tucked up with Magnus’, Asmodeus had decided on the second day that it was ridiculous that Alec didn’t already have most of his things in the loft, and when Alec had woken up on the third morning, his things had miraculously moved, and Cat was a _little_ warmer to the demon.

“I want a kiss before you go.” Magnus demands, as Alec finally comes out of the walk-in wardrobe with an acceptable outfit for the end of the world, and heads towards the bathroom, he pauses, turns back to the bed and goes to give Magnus another kiss.

“I’ll take any excuse to kiss you.” Alec promises, before heading back towards the bathroom. “You should go back to sleep, or Cat will come and annoy you when I’m gone.”

“I am feeling tired.” Magnus admits, before narrowing his eyes. “But I still want that kiss before you actually step out the door.” He says, just as Alec crosses the threshold into the en suite, the Shadowhunter snorts and rolls his eyes.

“You’ll get a kiss, don’t worry. Even if you’re sleeping, you’ll still get a kiss.” Alec promises, watching as Magnus finally gives in and closes his eyes, letting sleep claim him. Alec smiles widely, and goes to have a shower, and then save the world.

After all, they’ve got a wedding to plan.

* * *

  _Now the day bleeds,_  
_Into nightfall,_  
_And you're not here,_  
_To get me through it all._  
_I let my guard down,_  
_And then you pulled the rug._  
_I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved._

 _And I tend to close my eyes,_  
_when it hurts sometimes._  
_I fall into your arms,_  
_I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around._  
~Someone You Loved, Lewis Capaldi

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure if I made it clear enough. Magnus magic was trying to take him to Alec the entire damn time, following the paths through New York that they've walked.


End file.
